Don't Worry, Be Happy

by Frank Sontag

"An Individual has not started living until he can rise above the

narrow confines of fits individualistic concerns

to the broader concerns of all humanity."

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Recently, on my talk show, I received a phone call from a young woman who was struggling in her marriage of four years. She stated that she didn't think she loved her husband anymore and that she just didn't feel about him the way she used to, She also said that she got married for the wrong reasons. On further inquiry, she confided in me that she had a four-year-old daughter as well. I pondered that if she got married four years ago and had a four-year-old daughter, then to me it was obvious. The "wrong reason" was she had become pregnant. I felt a great deal of sadness. I also shared some important things that she would need to think about before she made such a life-changing decision. Then it happened. The woman said that what was largely responsible for fueling her desire to leave the relationship was her friends insisting that if she wasn't happy, she should leave her husband and abandon her marriage. My sadness turned into anger. Although I didn't express it to her, I did think "here we go again." another statement by society that above all else, we need to seek out happiness first and foremost.

Why do so many of us put personal happiness as such a high priority in our lives and yet the irony is we are so unhappy? Could it be that at the heart of this cultural obsession with happiness is really just a fear of feeling natural pain that impacts us all? Dr. Helen Caldicott once pointed out on my show that communication in today's world lacks intimacy. Expressions such as "Have a nice day" and "Don't worry be happy" dominate our culture. And without hesitation, when most people are asked how they are/the usual response, is "fine."

This unconscious banter is not only stupid in her terms but dangerous as well and perpetuates a more hedonistic approach to life. My concern for our society today is that we live in a world fueled by instant gratification. You know. "I want my MTV and I want it now." Or forget exercise. I'll just get liposuction. And finally, my favorite "I tried meditation for one week straight and I don't feel any different.” Whoever said that life is supposed to be fun? The truth is that life is difficult. As a matter of fact, that is the first of the "Four Noble Truths" which Buddha taught.

As M. Scott Peck writes in his book The Road Less Traveled, "Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." Peck also writes that the key is discipline and that "discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life's problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing." But because of the affluent lifestyle we enjoy in the West, most of us think that life is supposed to be easy. What a setup.

The young woman that called the radio program doesn't realize that in order to get to real love, she may have to go through some very difficult and painful times. But again, the notion of romantic love that we will blissfully live "happily ever after," is a reflection of our society’s mythic fascination with instant gratification.

As with Buddha's First Noble Truth that life is difficult, we can transcend our painful moments by learning to embrace delayed gratification. Once again, Peck writes, "delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first." A wise woman once said that if we are afraid of pain, we will never heal. If we begin to nurture the wisdom inside of ourselves by quieting our minds and opening our hearts, instead of closing them when life gets virtually unbearable, we can begin to cultivate our inner power, the power of love. We truly can become beacons of healing light.

Joy lies in the light. in the attempt. In the suffering involved,

not in the victory itself.

-Mohandas Gandhi